My sweet Austin,
As I sit here at the computer, my heart is so filled with love for you. I wish you could feel just how precious you are to us. I hope that your heart can be open and soft, as you read this and understand just how much we love you. Austin, I know that the past several months have been difficult for you. It’s been difficult for us, too. I don’t know that my mommy-heart has never been through as much pain as I’ve experienced the past 2 months. I have sobbed myself to sleep more nights than I care to remember.
My sweet Austin, I sense that you are very frustrated with us. I know that you feel deeply hurt that we haven’t accepted Marcia the way you wanted us to. Over Christmas, Marica sensed our apprehension and that made her feel less than welcome and that was wrong. I understand your hurt and your anger. You feel like your whole family is against you and Marcia. You expected more from your family and you are angry that we have not measured up to your expectations. Austin, I am so sorry that you feel so hurt and sad.
Please believe us when I tell you that we don’t dislike or hate Marcia. She’s a very nice girl. She is helpful and thoughtful. She’s very strong-willed and determined. She was very brave to leave her country and come to the states. And I hope her experience has been positive, despite our less-than-stellar behavior. Sweetheart, our inability to celebrate your relationship is not because we don’t like Marcia as a person, nor is it because she is from Argentina. Yes, I know we brought up language and culture before we even met her. We wanted you to fully understand that these issues will make a marriage much more difficult. But the culture and language issues are insignificant in comparison to the other problems we’ve observed. We have seen you change. Instead of bringing out the best in you, this relationship seems to have isolated you from everyone you love. We have observed some major maturity, dependence, and control issues in this relationship. We have also seen you become depressed, angry, defensive, desperate, reactive, irrational, and, even, suicidal. My sweet Austin, I don’t know if you can understand how much you’re asking when you expect your parents, your siblings, and everyone else who knows and loves you to celebrate and rejoice in a relationship which is pulling you away from us and suffocating the life and joy out of the precious boy that we love so much. I don’t know if you understand just how hard it has been to smile and to act like nothing's wrong while our hearts break, watching you slip away from us.
For a moment, can you imagine how you would feel if you saw your sweet sister get into her first serious relationship! Imagine that she was completely infatuated because she had found someone who absolutely adored her. However, you soon noticed that she started to change. She no longer acted like herself. At first, you noticed that she was way more depressed (not her usual ‘feeling down’, but she was distraught, distant, withdrawn and defensive. After a while, you saw signs that she was completely dependent on and controlled by her new boyfriend--she wouldn’t do anything without consulting him. She stopped responding to texts and when you asked her how she was, she just said she was great and that she loved her boyfriend so much. In time, you realized that she kept distancing herself more and more from the family, stopped talking to us, and only spent time with him. And when she did spend time with us, you noticed that he got angry and possessive. You saw that he made her feel guilty when she was away from him. You saw that he almost never left her side and he controlled all of her decisions. You watched how he couldn’t function without her and that he even made her feel responsible for his happiness. What if you could sense how weighed down and overwhelmed she felt, but every time you asked how she was, she acted like life was perfect? When you tried to spend some time with her alone, she got defensive, saying that you just didn’t like him, and would bring him along, too. And what if, whenever he wasn’t physically next to her, he was in constant communication with her on her phone making sure that he always had some control and influence over her? What if you noticed that after she had disagreements with her boyfriend, that she seemed extremely low and depressed, to the point where you were worried about her safety? What if she kept trying to convince you how happy she was, but you could see in her face, eyes, and voice, that she was really struggling? What if he threatened her with depression, pouting, and guilt every time she tried to assert her independence or tried to distance herself from him? What if he kept telling her how much he needed her, loved her, and that he wouldn’t have a life without her? What if she continued to get deeper and deeper into this relationship in order to help him even though she felt confused, conflicted and trapped? What if, in your efforts to reach out to her, she got angry and defensive and accused you and the rest of us of hating her boyfriend and of ganging up on her? What if you saw the relationship suffocating her to the point that you hardly recognized the sister you once knew?
Austin, the day you left home after Christmas, you confirmed all of our worst fears. We watched as you could not even make the most rational decision for fear of disappointing Marcia. When you decided to take that first apartment that I showed you, she took you into her room and changed your mind through some very effective, tearful, manipulative discussions. She convinced you that you were the one “hurting” her by not agreeing to live in the place she had picked out for you. Then, we found the second apartment, and it was everything you could have possibly wanted: close to her, close to school, saved you a ton of money, AND gave you options of moving out in the summer--even you seemed happy about it. But, Austin, when she came up to our room and saw us talking, I could clearly see in her face how threatened she felt by me. It scared her that you were talking to me and that you might listen to us. She then took you back down into her room for another couple excruciating hours, leaving you completely exhausted and confused. Later, when you still hadn’t made up your mind, she used her depression and threats of suicide to convince you to take the apartment she had picked out for you, which was right across the street from her. She would not compromise nor yield any control. It didn’t matter that you were out almost $1000 and locked into a contract through the end of the summer. It didn’t matter that you would have been better off in the other apartment. By having you directly across the street, she would have access to you any time you were home, her needs would be met and she would be able to show us that she was the one calling the shots.
Of course, there are many other serious and worrisome issues with you having a private room across the street from your girlfriend.. You had said that you wanted time and space to be alone in order to think and figure things out. You had said you wanted to be on neutral ground. It seems irrational that you would think that having a private room, right across the street from Marcia's, is “neutral ground.” Austin, up until that point when you decided to take your apartment, we didn’t fully realize just how powerful a hold Marcia has on all your actions. It almost seemed like you became a puppet, choosing something that totally went against your better judgement and logic. And seeing that, really, really scared us.
This apartment matter is only one of many alarming incidents. There are so many other examples: Her bizarre and disturbing fake breakup on Thanksgiving day, pouting when you don’t give her enough attention, insisting that you fly back to school and drive to home with her and then you buying her a ticket to come up earlier than everyone else without even consulting us, the fact that she didn’t allow you to be alone with your family over the holidays, her continually isolating you from everyone you love through the use of language and actions, her need to be near you at all times whether that’s physically near her or through constant texting, her use of physical, emotional, and verbal intimacy, her need to have a say in all of your decisions, etc. Devon, this kind of control is extremely unhealthy...even if it’s buttered in sweet words, tears, and kisses. It is not normal. This is not what a healthy, happy, joyful relationship or marriage looks like.
My dear, sweet Austin, you are an adult and this is your life. We love you and respect you. If you decide to stay in this relationship, we will, of course, love you and make the best of it. Nothing will EVER change our love for you. If you marry her, you will do so knowing that there are some major issues. But if that’s what you decide to do, we will support you. Austin, we will always, always love you--no matter what path you choose. But, Austin, you need to be aware that there will be serious tensions and concerns. Marcia clearly feels very threatened by us. She is not able to share you nor let you be truly independent. She is completely dependent on you for everything, including her happiness and sense of worth. When things go her way, and she has you all to herself, life will seem wonderful to you. However, when things don’t go her way and she starts to lose her control, she will tighten her hold (we’ve seen her threaten to break up, cry, pout, and use her depression and even her suicidal thoughts to get you to do what she wants), and we (and you) will be forced to back down and give in. We’ve seen this happen so many times over the past 2 months. As a result, you will be pulled away from us--we see it happening now. Austin, these types of issues will not magically go away when you get married. I have seen this type of tension, control and distancing in another relative's marriage. It has broken many hearts. And when I think about it happening to you, the anguish I feel is almost unbearable. Austin, you have no idea how much a mommy-heart can hurt...no idea!
Your other option is to break up with Marcia and let her return home to Argentina. That will be incredibly hard. She has convinced you that leaving you and moving back home would be unbearable, and that she has no family nor future in Argentina. However, neither of these is really true. Argentina may have real problems but millions of people live there and are happy. Deep down, she loves her country and culture. Yes, her family may be broken, but back in Argentina, she will find the support she needs to work through her own emotional issues. She has friends, a church family, and family members who have known and loved her throughout her life. Here, she has only you. Marcia is talented and smart and she will eventually find a career and a bright future. She is a strong person. She needs time to mature and grow up. With time, she will get over the pain of breaking up with you and she will meet a wonderful person in Argentina, get married, and raise her family in her own culture and country, and she will find peace and happiness. She can and will move on with her life, as improbable as that seems right now, and she will be OK.
Austin, not only will Marcia be OK in the end, but you will, too. Breaking up with Marcia will probably be the hardest thing you have ever done. But you will not be alone. You have an incredible group of people who love and care for you: your family, counselors, church leaders and friends. They are your angels and will be there for you. Given time, you will heal spiritually and emotionally. And you’ll start to feel like yourself again. Your depression will fade away. Your relationship with your Savior will be renewed and strengthened. You will enjoy your independence and being single and you will make wonderful new friends and enjoy hanging out with them. You’ll get the opportunity to really focus on sports, school, friends and your own development. After a while, you will start dating again and it will be fun and enjoyable and you will eventually meet someone who you know is the right person. You will be more mature, more experienced, and more confident. You will be absolutely ready for the covenants and responsibilities of marriage...financially, emotionally, and spiritually. You will feel light, joy and peace about every aspect of your relationship. You will be more in love than you can even imagine...and it will feel absolutely beautiful and right...no conflict, no control, no confusion, no desperation. You will look back and be grateful for the lessons you learned and that you had the strength to follow the Lord’s will in your life.
My sweet, darling Austin! Oh, I wish you could feel just how precious you are to us. From the time you were just a tiny baby, I remember holding you and looking into your smiling, happy eyes. I knew then that you were an incredibly, special spirit and that your Heavenly Father saw immense potential in you. I feel so honored for the privilege of being your mom. It has been an absolute joy watching you grow up, cheering you on, taking care of my little boy, and seeing the man you are becoming! Sweet Austin, please, please consider our counsel. Talk to us and listen to us. Talk to your siblings and listen to them. They love you so much. Austin, we are your family. We have always been there for you and always will be! Counsel with your church leaders, with your counselor, with your relatives, and your close friends. Listen to the advice of those who know and love you... especially your Father in Heaven. I loved how you explained it to us one night: Whatever decision you make needs to feel right in your mind, your heart, and your ‘gut’ (or spirit)! This is between you and your Father in Heaven. Your Heavenly Father and your Savior are real and they know and love you perfectly. And through them you will find the courage, peace, light, and joy that you are seeking. We love you more than you can comprehend. Austin, you are our precious son--our everything! We love you...to the moon and back!
mom & dad
Our dear Dallin,
You asked us to give you some time, and we have. It has been hard to not rush over and just hold you and let you know how much we love you. We love you more than you will ever know. We are always here for you. Yes, your news was devastating, yet not surprising. You are in an overwhelming situation for which you are completely unprepared-spiritually, emotionally, mentally and financially. I’m sure that you are feeling scared, embarrassed, guilty, and worried about the future. At this scary time, I wish you could feel how much we would like to comfort, help and counsel you. We hope that someday soon, you will take down your walls and let us back into your life. The thought that you are trying to bear this huge burden on your own, makes my heart hurt. We have always been and will always be right here for you. We have been praying and fasting for you. The Lord loves you and is very aware of your struggles…as are we. There is always help and hope…we just hope and pray that you’ll soften your heart and accept that help.
We love you so much!
Mama & Papa
Austin was still not communicating with us. We knew things were bad, but we had no idea just how bad they had gotten. He told us later, that in order to survive, he gave into all her demands, emotionally, physically, and financially. Whenever he put up boundaries, she would feel threatened and all of her energy would be channeled into making sure those barriers were removed and that she regained complete control. If he didn't submit, she would make his life a living hell until he did. He was so broken and beaten, that he just didn't have the strength nor the energy to deal with her jealousy, her distrust, her anger, and the ensuing fights. He was constantly required to prove his love to her by paying for expensive items (paying for her housing, her schooling, her clothing , and her food, etc.) and, eventually, through physical intimacy. The latter went against his very core beliefs. He knew that it was wrong. He hated the situation, but he also didn't know how to escape. All he cared about was keeping the peace and avoiding fights. Yes, of course, physical attraction and hormones played a big part in his situation, Marcia was attractive and there was a lot of temptation. However, sex before marriage was against his core beliefs. It was something, that under normal, healthy circumstances, he never would never have succumbed to. His self-confidence, self-worth, and self-concept had been slowly eroded over months of abuse, so that Austin had lost touch with his core values. Out of necessity for survival, he gave up on defending his own values, aligned his principles with Marcia, and allowed her to dictate his actions and behavior.