My sweet Austin,
My heart has been aching for you these past months. The pain is deep and constant, and so, so heavy. I go to sleep hurting and I wake up in the middle of the night hurting. Never in my life have I felt so much anxiety and heart-wrenching pain. I’ve never experienced heartache to this degree. Until you have your own children, you will never understand the weight and gut-wrenching pain that that a parent can feel. With each passing week, you seem to slip further away from us. We can see that you are distancing yourself more and more from your family. The love, the openness, and closeness that we once had is gone. It has been replaced with anger, distrust, and silence. If someone had told me a few years ago, that this would happen, I would have told them that it wasn’t possible...not with my Austin! It almost seems surreal.
Austin, I know you are torn, confused, angry and hurting. I understand why you have shut us out. I know why you’re so angry. You love Marcia so much and you’re hurt and angry that we don’t approve of your relationship. You feel like we have misjudged Marcia and you’re angry that we can’t accept her. She means the world to you and you feel like you need to defend her against us. You have promised her a future, and you can’t understand why we can’t be happy for you.
Austin, you feel like your entire family is ganging up against you. It makes you angry when anyone voices any concerns about your relationship.You have become extremely defensive to the point where you can’t see the sincerity of our pleas. You see every concern or piece of advice as an attack on you and Marcia . Sweet, sweet Austin, can you possibly consider the fact that maybe, just maybe, all the people that love you are not “against” you and that we don’t hate Marcia ?
Austin, please read the following analogy with an open and prayerful heart. With all the emotion of my mommy-heart, I’m asking you to soften your heart and and open your mind and try to see things from a clear perspective as you read this:
Austin, I want you to try to picture yourself and Marcia about to set sail in a boat. You boarded the boat last summer without even considering whether it was shipshape. You promised Marcia that you would set sail with her before you even looked the boat over. Instead of thoroughly inspecting the boat and asking your heavenly captain for advice, you quickly put the boat on the water and boarded it. You were both so caught up in the novelty, passion, and romance of taking this voyage, that, at first, neither of you noticed any holes. Slowly, as water started to seep in, you became aware of some holes in your boat and it made you nervous and caused you some anxiety. But because you had prematurely promised Marcia this voyage, you felt like you could not back out of your agreement, for fear of disappointing her. So, you convinced yourself that the holes were minor and that you’d just find a way to fix them. And you have tried and tried.
What you don’t fully realize is that it’s practically impossible to fix those holes once you’re in the water...and your boat is already in the water. You’re still in the shallow water and anxious to head out into the deep waters of marriage. Everyone, but you, can see just how serious and obvious these holes are and that they will jeopardize your journey. Everyone is terrified as they watch you prepare to set sail with a boat full of holes. My sweet Austin, you’ve never sailed a boat out into the deep waters. In fact, this is your first time even rowing around the shallow harbor. And you’re so desperate to prove yourself capable and seaworthy, that you are foolishly dismissing all the advice of the older, experienced seamen, captains, and even admirals.
The experienced seamen are trying to get your attention and begging you to listen to them. They have seen so many shipwrecks. They have experienced the huge waves out in the ocean. They can see that your boat is full of cracks and holes and that it won’t withstand the gale forces of the open sea. Because you are on the boat, you can’t see the holes as well, but to those on other boats and on the shore, the holes are gaping and obvious. Some of these seamen were young and inexperienced once and set sail with broken boats in their youth. They know how terrible a shipwreck can be and are calling to you, warning you to not make the same mistake that they made. All of the experienced seamen are fervently admonishing you to de-board and dry-dock your boat, because they know that your boat can’t be repaired in the water with you in it.
Instead of listening to their advice, you have become defensive and angry at everyone for pointing out the holes in your boat. As you get ready to head into deep waters, you foolishly shout back at the old seamen: “Stop telling me that my boat is full of holes! I’m tired of hearing it! Stop ganging up on me! I am aware of the holes--the holes won’t stop me. I'm going to set sail anyways and I'm going to beat the odds, because my boat is special. I can fix this myself. You all don’t know what you’re talking about. If you would just get to know my shipmate better, you’d see that the holes in my boat don’t matter!!” It is possible that a few bystanders have given you encouragement to set sail. However, those few people have either not seen the condition of your boat or don’t understand what constitutes a seaworthy ship.
Austin, in this relationship-boat analogy, Marcia is not the enemy. The problems are the holes in the boat, or, in other words, the red flags in your relationship. The holes are not all Marcia's fault either--we are not blaming her--nor do we hate her, as you think. In fact, many of the holes are caused by you and your inability to assert your needs and to think for yourself. We have seen you so desperate to prove your maturity and independence, that you have become irrational and childish and have discounted the advice of everyone whom you used to trust. You acknowledge the holes, but you refuse to see or you are unable to accept how serious they are. There seems to be a dark fog clouding your judgment.
Marcia seems so anxious and desperate to set sail, that she has convinced you to ignore the holes in the boat. She has convinced herself (and you) that her only chance for happiness in this life is for you both to set sail at once without delay. She thinks that by sailing away with you--even if it’s in a broken boat--that she will be saved.
Austin, I understand that she has had a rough life, but setting sail in a boat full of holes will not bring her the happiness she thinks it will. In fact, it will only compound the current problems (the water is deeper and the waves are much higher in marriage). She is simply not healthy or well enough to understand that someone else cannot be responsible for her happiness (and that marriage will not and cannot solve her problems). Her need to completely control you is an unhealthy way of trying to control her own happiness and her sense of worth. She thinks that if you don't do what she wants (which is to marry her), then you don't love her, and if you don't love her, then she has no value. So, of course, she has to control you (and the relationship) in order to control her own sense of worth. Austin, because you are by nature a pleaser, you feel obligated to make sure she feels loved and wanted all the time. And that means that you will always do whatever she wants. Austin, your entire relationship is based on this unhealthy pattern and it's changing who you are. This is probably the biggest hole in your boat--and the one that truly cannot be repaired while in the water. This gaping hole reflects a problem in your mental health as well as hers. What neither of you truly realizes is that as long as you play into this unhealthy game, Marcia will NEVER heal nor will you. By continuing in this relationship, you will only reinforce her unhealthy sense of self-worth and make her even more dependent on others to find happiness. Austin, giving into her wishes is not helping her.
You have seen that every time you even think of docking the boat and allowing each of you to heal independently, she grabs the wheel and steers the boat back towards the sea. We have seen that she will do anything in her power to get control of you and the boat: manipulation, threats, depression, guilt, bribes...anything. Austin, we are not accusing her of being a bad person and we do not hate her, but she is obviously mentally ill. She is under the mistaken and false belief that her life, her worth, and her happiness depend on you loving her and marrying her. As long as you are in her life and she is depending on you to make her happy, she will not and cannot heal. And by believing her and giving into her demands, you are only feeding her unhealthy delusions of happiness and making her sickness worse. If you truly love her, then you need to find the strength to really help her. That may mean letting her go.
My sweet Austin, you seem to be struggling spiritually and emotionally. You have not been yourself in many months. You seem to be lost in a thick dark fog, and you've been in the fog so long, that it has affected your judgement, your perspective and all of your relationships. Deep down, I think you know that we are on your side. You’ve counseled with us and trusted us for over 20 years. We have always loved and supported you and always will. But the fog is playing tricks on your eyes and your heart. Instead of trusting us, you see us as the enemy. I know you’re so sick of everyone being in your business. You may think that your setting sail in a boat with Marcia is your business and that it doesn’t concern anyone else. My darling Austin, this isn’t just about you and Marcia . We are traveling in a fleet. If one boat is taking on water and limping along or sinking, it affects all of the other boats in the fleet. As you set sail into marriage, you will be bringing children into this boat. You were personally blessed to have been born into a safe and seaworthy boat. I don’t think you truly realize the implications of bringing children into a leaky boat. You owe it to your kids to make sure that you have the most shipshape, secure boat possible. This is a huge responsibility. To think that this decision only affects you and Marcia is short sighted and immature.
You may feel so trapped in your current situation, that you don’t feel like you have the strength to turn the boat around in order to get the needed repairs. Maybe Marcia has convinced you that she absolutely cannot get off the boat and go back to shore, and that doing so would ruin her. And maybe you believe her. It is also possible that you simply don’t believe us when we tell you how serious the holes are. The fog may just be so thick, that you just can’t see the holes for what they are. You may be completely convinced that by setting sail, many of the holes will fix themselves. Or maybe, you are willing to accept the holes, set sail, and limp along as your boat takes on water, just to avoid hurting Marcia , because she has convinced you that you are the only one who can save her.
My sweet, sweet Austin, we are here for you. We love you more than you can fathom. If you decide to disregard our advice and get married, we will love you, and we will love and and accept Marcia . We will do everything in our power to help you make the best of your situation. However, it’s very important that you internalize and really understand the following: Neither our getting to know Marcia better nor our love and acceptance of her will repair your boat. Austin, we are begging you to not make any drastic or rushed decisions at this point. Before you make any permanent decision and head out to sea, dock your boat, get to higher ground, and get out of the fog. I know that you desperately want to do what is right, but right now your judgement is clouded. Get to a place where the skies are bright and clear. You do have a choice. You always have a choice! There is a way out of the fog into the sun!
My sweet, darling Austin! Oh, how I wish you could feel just how precious you are to us. You are such a special spirit: so trusting, so kind-hearted, and so full of joy and fun. I feel so honored for the privilege of being your mom. It has been an absolute joy watching you grow up, cheering you on every step of the way, cuddling my little boy, and seeing you grow and mature into an amazing young man! Sweet Austin, please, please consider our counsel. Talk to us and listen to us. Talk to your siblings and listen to them. They love you so much. Austin, we are your family. We have always been there for you and always will be! Listen to the advice of those who know and love you... especially your Father in Heaven. Remember your own words: Whatever decision you make needs to feel right in your mind, your heart, and your ‘gut’ (or spirit)! Your Heavenly Father and your Savior are real and they know and love you perfectly. There is always hope! And through them (and the Atonement), you will find the courage, peace, light, and joy that you are seeking. We love you more than you can comprehend. Austin, you are our precious son--our everything! We love you...to the moon and back!
Mama
Dear Austin,
Son, this is your Dad. I love you more than I can ever express. The last time I remember feeling so much pain was when my parents divorced. I cried and cried for days and just could not seem to find any peace. The pain I feel today is even more intense, because it involves a person I love more than life itself...you! I am hurting today deeply because I can feel you pulling away and distancing yourself from us and your siblings. Already, you seem like a very different person from the Austin I knew less than a year ago and that hurts me so deeply that it's hard to describe. Austin, as your parents, all we want for you is to find yourself in a healthy and happy relationship with a bright future. There is absolutely no reason to rush into this type of a decision. I beg you to please listen to our counsel. Mom has written an inspired letter to you. Please soften your heart and take these words seriously. I have told you before, I will love you no matter what you decide to do. You are my son, and I will always be here for you. I love you, Austin.